Introduction
When a relationship breaks down, it is traumatic for the whole family. While you may think it's kinder to try to protect your children from the details, the reality is that the more children understand what is going on, the easier they find it to cope.
If possible, have both parents present when you explain what's going to happen and why. Try not to criticise each other or fight in front of them and reinforce the idea that, although you will be living separately, you will both be there for them whenever they need you. They will experience a range of emotions during the process of separation or divorce, including feeling hurt, confused and rejected so you need to be patient and understanding of their needs as well as your own.
Children often think that their parent's separation is somehow their fault, that they've done something wrong, causing the parent to leave. They may also feel that if they do things differently in the future you may get back together. It's vital that your child understands that what's happened to your relationship is not their fault.
Most children want a good relationship with both parents. A young person can view what's happened differently to their parents and may blame one of you for the break-up, siding with the other parent. Hopefully, this will be a passing phase and by explaining the facts, a good relationship can be kept with both parents.
Learn to listen
Talk to your children and listen to what they have to say. How you handle the break-up is important for their wellbeing and stability. Encourage them to talk about their feelings and involve them in making decisions about the future. For instance, as well as feeling like they are losing a parent in some way, they may also be worried that they have to move house or change schools, so keep them informed of what may need to happen. Talk to your children about who they will live with and where and what other changes may have to occur. Even though you are going through a difficult time yourself, your child will also be feeling a sense of loss and hurt, so let them know what is happening at each stage of the process to help them deal with their feelings.
Making arrangements
If you and your partner are finding it hard to communicate and agree arrangements, you can seek help from your local mediation service. As well as helping you to sort things out they can offer help and support for the children too.
In summary
Separation is as traumatic for your children as it is for you. Keep you children informed about what's happening and how it will affect their lives. Talking helps them understand what will be happening in their lives. Always give them a chance to talk about their feelings and express any worries they may have. Let them know you will both still be there for them. Talk to them so they understand why you are separating and how this will affect their lives. Let them know that both of you will do what you can to keep their lives as stable as possible. Do not criticise or fight with your partner in front of your children - it is only going to hurt them. Try and remain civilised when talking about what's going to happen - how you handle the situation will have a big impact on their future. Mediators can help smooth the process.
For further information and advice about separation and divorce please see the 'Read more' section on this page.
Helpline telephone numbers
Relate Avon: 0117 9428444
Parentlineplus: 0808 800 2222
National Council for One Parent Families: 0800 018 5026 and 020 7428 5400